"I am so totally OVER New York!"I heard myself yell this in a cab the other night, interrupting friends mid-conversation as we cruised up First Ave, past a view of the Empire State Building. Did I have too much to drink? We weren't even talking about New York -- it was like a sudden Turrett's outbreak.
It couldn't have been the drinks, I only had two. But as we raced past the Chrysler Building, it happened again, but this time, "Ok, I've been trying to get over New York, but I just can't!"
As we descended into the tunnel next to the UN, I made one last effort to satisfy my strange and sudden feeling of desperation by stating defensively, "London is the NEW New York! Everyone knows that!" (Note: When in doubt, make bold, subjective declarations and say that the whole world agrees so that no one will question you.)
Funny how you think you're completely sick of a place, but the minute you know you're leaving it, the love is heightened and a sudden sadness and vigilant doubt creeps in. Yes indeed, it's like any good, old fashioned, dysfunctional relationship.
I'm about to leave New York City for London for awhile. And though I've become increasingly annoyed by the daily crap and chaos that goes along with living here, all of a sudden I'm having teary feelings of impending loss (that is, when I'm not cursing the crowds, cringing at the grime, and being pushed around on the subway).
To help console myself, I've been enjoying a two-week binge of eating out every night and partying until the sun comes up, as if there is nowhere else on earth that will have places to eat or something to do for fun. It's irrational. I'm moving to London, not Antartica (no offense to Antarica of course, or anyone who might like hanging out there). But that's the thing, this town makes you a little crazy and needy like that.
Today I walked to Bryant Park to get lunch from the 'wichcraft kiosk. I had chilled chick pea soup and a salad with roasted yellow beets, fennel and watercress. It made me sad to think that this type of "fast food" may be hard to come by in London. Or maybe it won't, but I indulged myself in the thought anyway, because sometimes it just feels good to be sad...even if it is over a beet salad. But the Chrysler building, New York Public Library, and Times Square all seemed to be looking down on me like old friends, telling me not to worry, they'd still be here when I returned.
Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to live and work in London -- I've wanted to do this for a long time. But unlike when I've left other places, I'm nowhere near bored of New York nor dying to get out. I just need a little break so that I don't get too....what's the word? Hard? Crazy? Jaded? Cynical? Bi-polar?
It's like leaving a person who you love, but have a tumultuous relationship with. I can't imagine life anywhere else, yet I'm quick to criticize everything about this place as time goes on. But knowing I won't have it for awhile now, all I notice are the nice things. Like right now, I'm sitting in my office in Times Square listening to the chimes outside play "Give my Regards to Broadway" as they do every night, 15 minutes before the curtain goes up in Broadway theatres (I still have no idea where those chimes come from).
My lunchtime stroll reaffirmed how uniquely beautiful this city is, and how dependent I've become on the energy -- good and bad -- that it feeds. I guess that could be considered an addiction. But I'm certainly not the first overly sentimental person to say I'm addicted to New York. I mean, there was a whole television series on HBO dedicated to women like me, so this is all highly unoriginal.
Anyway, in the spirit of forging ahead, I'll continue expressing bold and trite points of view, like, "I consider myself a citizen of the world!" and, "I need a more global view of life!" After all, that is all true and sincere -- I really can't wait to test drive life in Europe. But after 4 1/2 years in Manhattan, I consider it home. It's my favorite place in the world (that I've been) and I have a feeling I'll glady return when the time comes.
I have to remember that life isn't black and white -- it's a calming shade of gray actually, much like New York itself. And while I'm all about experiencing new places, I guess that doesn't mean I have to get over the things I love to experience something new. Something at my core tells me I will never get over New York, and in the end, I suppose that's the very reason I love it.
