Die Hard 4.0

It's not summer until you've paid your hard-earned cash on a really bad Hollywood blockbuster which, after watching, makes you want to go back and slap the ticket lady until she gives you your money back.

Tonight, Olly and I saw the stupidity that is "Die Hard 4.0," so despite the fact that it is late July and only 50-60 degrees in England, I guess summertime is here!

You often hear about "gratuitous" violence and/or sex in movies, but this movie boasts gratuitous....action. It's a 2.5 hour armageddon that very badly ties together car crashes, massive explosions, SUVs crashing down fiery elevator shafts, nation-wide blackouts, a fake exploding U.S. capitol, endless shootouts, the token hot Asian chick kung-fu fighting and killing her way through an ocean of men, an airborne police car (containing Bruce Willis) that crashes mid-air into the bad guy's helocopter (that's the best stunt of the film), a wild tractor trailer chase, computer hacking at gunpoint, and finally, some madness that culminates with an F-35 Joint Strike Fighter jet hovering and weaving its way through a maze of urban highway overpasses as they crumble like a mile of toppling dominoes. And LOTS of blood all the while. And I'm sure I've left a whole lot out.

And now a word about the horrific acting. I am serious when I say there were kids in my neice's 3rd grade play that could have out-acted the stone-faced and monotone-voiced mokeys in this movie. And the writing...I don't think mass cringing after one-liners like, "John, you're a Timex watch in a digital age" was the desired response.

There were many questions in the "storyline" that really threw me. Especially at the end: Bruce Willis kills the bad guy and the world is safe from a complete computer-programmed infrastructure shut down. But last I had heard, the bad guy was the only person on earth who could undo the damage. I wonder what happened to the world after the credits rolled...

Finally, I beleive a hallmark of the Die Hard franchise must be geographical idiocy and bad editing. The first movie was supposed to take place in the Washington, DC area...a detail that was foiled by the frequent calls Bruce Willis made from pay phones clearly labeled "Pac Bell" -- the California phone system. Though this film is again supposed to be set in the DC area, I could not identify any streets that remotely resembled DC, even with the super-imposed Washington Monument and Old Post Office Building in almost every car chase scene. Oh, and DC does NOT have yellow cabs or skyscrapers. And there was a very dubious toll tunnel that I had never encountered in my 6+ years in DC. But it's clearly the tunnel that connects DC to New Jersey and Baltimore in a matter of minutes. My favorite geo detail, however, was at the end when the helocopter, car explosion and firearm spectacular spectacular ended in a sunny blue harbor surrounded by mountains. Um, where is THAT in the DC area? (It sure looked a lot like southern CA to me.)

By the end of the film, I could only smack my forhead and groan. I didn't quite recover until afterwards when Olly and I had a pint at the pub and talked about something else.

Hamburg Beach Clubs

Why pay all that money for a holiday in the Caribbean when you can just go to Hamburg, Germany? I was there for work this week, and Thursday evening my colleague Pia took me for a cocktail at Lago Bay, one of Hamburg's four "beach clubs." Located in Hamburg's harbour neighborhood, the beach club attracts a well-behaved "yuppie" crowd of beautiful people who sip cocktails on a man-made beach that has been imported to the side of the river. The club is blanketed with plush white sand and palm trees, and is situated across many tiered levels surrounding a clear blue swimming pool. There are a few bars and plenty of seating in the form of lounge and cabana chairs, and many large beds on which groups of friends can lounge. There was also a live band playing that we enjoyed while sipping our caiparinhas.

The effect is quite successful...Hamburg has turned what could be a bleak and barren industrial port into a relaxing, fun and pretty environ that is quite transportive in it's ability to make you beleive you are in a tropical beachside summer locale (despite the fact you can't go in the water). And given Hamburg's weather, the clubs are a seasonal occurrance -- once summer is over, the clubs pack up their props and close down for another year.

This is a concept New York City should totaly adopt -- I think it would be a huge win as the substantial waterfront space is something the city has been slow to turn into a new entertainment concept the public can embrace.

Top 10 Signs You're Travelling Too Much

10. You frequently wake up in the morning not knowing where you are. Even when it's your own flat.

9. You travel on planes more than cars and trains combined. If there's any truth to that carbon footprint thing, you are single-handedly destroying the earth.

8. Most all your shopping is done in duty-free. As a matter of fact, you realise airports have all you need to survive.

7. You have the desire to speak Spanish in non-Spanish-speaking countries. And you think German would be an "easy" and "fun" language to learn -- even though you are totally failing your French class.

6. In your prayers at night, you thank God for health, family, friends, and universal travel adaptors. Then you pray that someone will invent a singular power cord and charger that will work with all your gadgets.

5. Your handbag contains 2 mobile phones, a blackberry, an iPod, and a digital camera...but the batteries in all of them are dead.

4. Every city in Europe begins to look exactly the same to you.

3. You sheeplishly start questions with, "Excuse me, do you speak English?" But you're in London. Then you say "Merci" after they've answered your question (in English).

2. You consider your daily interactions with friends on Facebook to be your "social life."

1. People ask where you live...and you have trouble answering the question.