For the Love of Dysfunction

I have a very warm spot in my heart for stories about dysfunctional families and relationships, which is best demonstrated by my deep love for Wes Anderson films; books by Jonathan Franzen ("The Corrections") and David Sedaris ("Naked" and "Me Talk Pretty One Day"); and any play by Arthur Miller or Tennessee Williams. I think this alone qualifies me as a person not many people would want to spend too much time with.

For those who don't know, Wes Anderson wrote and directed the movies "The Royal Tenenbaums," "The Life Aquatic" and most recently, "The Darjeeling Limited." And before anyone even knew who he was, he did a genius little film called "Bottle Rocket." His films are funny and quirky, for sure (you either love him or hate him). But what makes them truly special are the lovable yet oblivious dysfunctional people and families that take centre stage - mostly because there is always a kernel of truth in his over-intellectualised characters that make charming what in the real world would be seen as somewhat tragic or abnormal. All his stories involve misfits with substantial issues and differences, but who are trying (almost desperately) to connect with each other, whether they realise it or not.

I recently watched "The Darjeeling Limited" over the course of three plane rides spanning a couple months. First ride, the entertainment system broke down about half way through. Second plane ride, I picked up watching where I left off, but started too late and the plane landed before the ending. Third plane ride, I finally finished it...tucked into an airplane bed under a fluffy duvet, sleep suit on, eating a pear, and giggling infectiously before falling asleep (which I'm sure was great for the guy next to me). I was actually kinda sad when my airplane "series" had ended.

ANYWAY - the movie is about three grown brothers who recently lost their father, have been distant ever since, and then reunite on a wacked-out "spiritual" train journey across India in search of their mother - who didn't come to their father's funeral, but instead ran off to run a convent (in India). It's completely ridiculous, but you can feel the genuine affection between these people - even though they are all at odds with each other and completely unable to communicate. In one scene, the no-nonsense mother (Anjelica Houston) has them all sit in a circle and "communicate what they are feeling without saying anything" since they can't seem to manage a civil conversation - which turns out to be trippily successful (hmmm...need to try that next time I'm having a row with someone).

But I'll let you watch the movie yourself instead of me paraphrasing it, because I loved it and could seriously go on about it all night. The sets, scenery, music and colours are really magical - it's cinematic eye candy.

In the end, they quietly reconcile with each other and with themselves, even though they didn't proactively make it happen as planned, nor achieve what they hoped the way they hoped (lots went wrong, of course) - but they quite literally ditch their (not so) proverbial baggage and a resolve just kind of simply happened....I think, because at the end of the day, family wins out...no matter how weird and damaged they might be.

Then, last week, also on a plane, I watched the (very good) movie "Into the Wild" - another (more serious) film with a dysfunctional family and damaged son at the center. Toward the end of the movie, he befriends an elderly man who tells him, "When you forgive, you love. And when you love, God's light shines on you." I know, I know, right now you're thinking "Oh jeez CF, please just go back to the Bible Belt already!" (I am not from the Bible Belt, FYI) -- but I really liked that.

So, with all THAT said (the Bible Belt, Darjeeling Limited, airplanes, Wes Anderson, duvets, pears, forgiveness and love), I think I have finally started to understand that there truly is no such thing as a perfect family without issues - the kind I used to swear existed when I looked at the surface of my friends' seemingly shiny home lives. And sure, there are all different levels of dysfunction and residual damage. But what I think I am getting closer to understanding these days is that it's not about trying to change people - or yourself for that matter - in order to mend your wounds and get over it. And furthermore, it's not about wishing and waiting for those closest to you to change while pretending they are something they are not.

I think it all simply comes down to acceptance. Beautiful, simple acceptance (I think that's what people used to do in the old days before credit cards and prozac). Accepting things and people for exactly what and who they are, 100 percent, right now, loving them anyway (at least as much as they love you, which is probably a lot), and getting on with it. Not sure that's as easy as I just made it sound, but today and the people in it are all we have, so we should probably do what we must to make ourselves happy...because no one else can ever do that for us.

This doesn't mean we have to like and approve of everything everyone does, but it seems a hinderance to dwell on the negative and what could be. Sometimes, what IS, no matter how screwy, can actually be ok, if you just look at it from the right angle - which perhaps is no angle at all, but straight on. And if someone is truly harmful or bad for your emotional and/or physical well-being, you must find the strength to let them go, block them from hurting you, and move on.

And this is what I've learned from Wes Anderson films.... :)

I read something funny in Esquire (my new favourite magazine) this month about getting "closure" in a relationship that has ended. The columnist, Stacey Grenrock Woods says, "Ceremonious closure isn't necessary.....(quoting psychologist James Tobin)...it is largely a myth, since it suggests that one's emotional life works in a linear fashion. The end of a relationship is a discreet event that involves somebody and another person, but also one's relationship with one's self....Should someone request closure from you, just say you are currently journaling your journey and don't know when you'll be done, if ever. Get used to unsatisfying endings."

Though speaking specifically about romantic relationships, this applies to dysfunctional family residue as well. I mean, some people spend tens of thousands of dollars in therapy over the course of their lives to get some sort of "closure" and resolve to family matters. Perhaps the takeaway here is to try and accept the unsatisfying endings and circumstances in your life for exactly what they are - so that you don't falter in truly living in the moment now - waiting for things to become ideal, and thereby depriving yourself of the happiness that (I think) we all deserve.

And as a guy I was out to dinner with last night said, "I don't think I would hire somebody who wasn't from a broken home." Ok, maybe that's taking it all a bit too far, but he seems to believe that broken home credentials bring some sort of merit and savvy to being successful at a challenging job (no worries all you Ozzie and Harriet types, I think the jury's still out on that one).

I wonder if there really IS a Darjeeling Limited. If so, a train ride through India might very well be my next holiday. But for now, I have started letting go of all the years I fought dysfunction (which is totally subjective, by the way) and am just trying to embrace it. Actually, I think I may have already started to love it.