Self-Discovery: Does Anyone Really Have 40 Days to Sacrifice for It?

About three and a half years ago, I came across this book called "40 Days and 40 Nights" while perusing my local Borders in New York City (um, I was not in the self-help section, it was on the "featured books of the month" table).

It was the weekend and I was delusional (as weekends sometimes make me) thinking that perhaps I might do something meaningful and personally fulfilling on my own time (ha. ha ha. ha ha ha...ha). Anyway, I was really excited because, well just look at the cover -- it was going to change my life and send me down the path of totally awesome self-discovery, somewhere I previously never had any interest in going. But there I was, feeling a sudden sense of urgency to find out who this person is that I call me...bring it on!

So I brought the book home and quickly forgot about it. I mean, get a life already, I have other things to do.

A couple months later, while vacuuming my apartment, I found the book wedged between my stereo stand and the wall, covered in dust. So I opened it (because I'll do anything to get out of cleaning), read the intro, but really didn't have time for the first assignment of listing my goals and dreams and fears and obstacles. So I let it wait awhile longer until I had the proper time necessary to make it thoughtful and quality.

Then, one night (ok, after a few drinks), I finally filled out that first section. It was definitely thoughtful and my list of goals, dreams and fears was loooong.

It's a 40-day program where you have to write and do a different exercise every day. And you can't skip a day or else the "40 day" part wont be true and you will fail, so I stalled getting started out of fear it wasnt the right time. I wanted to feel really clear headed and READY to make those 40 days and nights count so that I could commit and WIN!

But every night, I'd open the book, pick up my pen, realize I was too tired and uninspired, and toss the book aside once again in favor of something more appealing for the moment...like People magazine.

When I was packing up my apartment to move to London, I found the book in the cabinet of my nightstand. And I thought to myself, "Self, there is no greater time to begin down the 40-day path to discovering your true self than when moving to a new country."

But I didn't want to find myself until I got to London --because I might ultimately find the wrong person if I started it in New York -- so I decided to begin once I arrived on the other side of the Atlantic.

Since arriving in England a year and a half ago, I have looked at this book almost every day on my bookshelf while watching TV and discovering someone else's true self (like Robbie Williams or that other guy from "Take That"). But I'm careful to hide it under my bed when people come over so that they don't think I read self-help books.

I tried to start the book again last week, but got thrown off base after reading those hopes, dreams, fears and obstacles I had written down 3 years ago, because none of them really apply anymore. And sweet Jesus, I must have had a ton to drink before I filled that sucker out, because I can't even read my own handwriting! And to make matters worse, I wrote it all in pen so if I want to start it again, I'll need to re-write it all (reflecting my current self) on a new, clean sheet of paper and stuff it back in the book, and I really hate the thought of doing that (hmm, facing my perfectionist OCD may be one of those goals).

So lately, I open the book, only to look at the first exercise and close it again thinking ... "tomorrow."

I have calculated that over the past 3.5 years, I could have discovered my true self about 30 times had I started and completed this freakin' book. I can't even imagine all the sides of myself that I have missed out on and will never know -- a tragic fact, but I try not to dwell on it.

Because every night, just seeing the book on my nightstand brings new hope -- the hope that self-discovery is always and only just 40 days away. And somehow, that seems much nicer than starting down the path, only to know that in 40 days or less it will come to an end.