I’m too lazy to make the effort to get satellite TV, so I’m at the mercy of the five basic “terrestrial” channels here in the U.K. (though I do abide by the law and pay the 100+GBP/year TV License fee that I still don’t totally understand the purpose of). That gets me BBC1, BBC2, ITV1, Channel 4 and Five….five glorious channels of complete and utter crap.
British TV is mostly composed of a slew of property-buying shows in the morning and daytime (seems the only way for the middle class to make any real money here or feel they have investments is through real estate or selling the contents of their attics…getting on the “property ladder” as they call it is everything), a few really trashy daytime talk shows (think Jerry Springer back in the 80s but not as entertaining, just depressing), the soaps (East Enders, Coronation Street, Hollyoaks and Emmerdale), a smattering of cooking shows (I do love that Gordon Ramsay, he’s cool), and of course, many fine American exports, including “Everyone Loves Raymond,” “Friends,” “Prison Break,” “ER,” “The Sopranos,” and “Grey’s Anatomy.” Oh, there’s the news too – although I have to say unless it’s international, the domestic stuff bores me to sleep. Late night talk shows include Jonathan Ross and Graham Norton – both of which are pretty good. And then there is the Charlotte Church Show – perhaps the most annoying show and person on the planet. In terms of morning shows, there is BBC Breakfast (puts me right back to sleep after waking up) and GMTV (Good Morning TV), which is my preferred choice -- I like Lorraine Kelly’s lifestyle segment at the very end, which, if I’m watching it, means I’m totally late for work. Oh, and how can I forget “Big Brother” – it’s a national treasure.
But then there’s the handful of oddities and one-offs that really give me a giggle. Following is a sampling of my favourite titles from just the past week. I am NOT making these up:
• Help! My Dog’s as Fat as Me
If you can’t get enough TV about obese people, you can upgrade to obese pets.
• Why is There so Much Rubbish on Telly?
I think the show further supports the premise…vicious circle.
• WAGs Boutique
WAGs are “wives and girlfriends” of football stars (and in many cases, the role models to young British girls everywhere). In this show, two teams of WAGs run boutiques and compete to see which is the most successful. Think “The Apprentice,” but starring bimbos with no brains. Time Out London describes the show in its TV listings as “The bitchy nonsense continues.”
• The Madness of Modern Families
At least this show can never run out of content.
• What’s Under Your House? Checking Foundations
Um…I’d seriously rather chew broken glass than watch this. Tedious gets taken to a whole new level here…
• Loose Women
I don’t need to watch this on TV. I live on Maiden Lane in Covent Garden - I can just sit on my doorstep, open a bottle of wine and watch the real thing.
• Gay to Z
In case you’re looking for an instructional…
• Arrange Me a Marriage
Hmmm…perhaps I should be watching this one.
• How to Dump Your Mates
I like this one. It shows you how to divorce your friends. Uses real people/scenarios too and catches the whole ordeal on camera. I needed this my first year of college.
• My Big Gay Prom
For all those poor people who had to take members of the opposite sex to the prom and are still suffering post-traumatic syndrome from it. Ah, thank heavens for a second chance to make it all right.
• The Conman with 14 Wives
This is the stuff that makes up for not getting “Lifetime for Women” here.
• Bodyshock: Born with Two Heads
And this makes up for not getting “Ripley’s Believe it or Not.”
• What? When? Where? Why?
I think that pretty much says it all….
With all that said, I actually don’t miss American TV that much, except Conan O’Brien (the love of my life), David Letterman, Meet the Press, Good Morning America, Saturday Night Live, and a few Food Network shows. Really, the rest is just background noise when I’m doing laundry -- real life is so much more interesting…
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